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“I waited 40 years for her,” he said. “She can wait 5 minutes for me.”
“What was the happiest moment of your life?” “When I got my red toy!”
“When you yell at someone, who hears it more: you or them? You’re only hurting yourself by getting angry. I want to live to be 100. I haven’t raised my voice in 40 years.”
Well, hello.
I know, it’s been a minute. But for now, I’m back, with a new resolution to visit this little internet place of sharing a bit more often. The past few months have been one heck of a birth canal (literally, the frequency of birthing babies dreams was out of control) and I find myself sitting at my desk, post vacation, more present and grounded than I have felt in some time.
This was no usual trip to the Bay. No daily circles through SF-OAK-Marin. No excessive bridge tolls, gas costs, multiple dates a day. Instead this trip involved a lot of respite, few plans, a bit of anxiety about disappointing people, and ultimately, my own ability to let go of what I think I should be doing when I am home.
I rested. I ate more steak than I have in a year. I layed in the sun. And, I let myself be in the place that I try to avoid missing.
For the first time since I moved, I asked myself why I don’t live in the bay area. I mean, that place is heaven, and minus a few people in NYC and a certain someone in Seattle, my people are there. It was nice to tap into the place I love. To slow down enough to ask some questions about what I want and what the plans, er really dreams are, over the next few years.
A theme that wove itself through many a conversation was the moments in our lives that show up and invite us to new places in ourselves. Sometimes we miss the moments. Sometimes, if we are so very lucky, they find us, with our eyes open and hearts a beating for an adventure, and we step through a threshold. This can be towards a smaller thing – simple changes in food or exercise or other habits that keep us feeling good. Or, they can be a bigger thing – like clarity about our roles, work, loves.
A door opened up on this trip. And, I am happily dancing through the threshold.
Maybe it’s because we spent our teenage years on Mt. Tam watching the sun set, or maybe it’s because since before I can remember, my dad has told me that the clouds at sunset are really pink ghoulies watching over me, but I have forever been enamored with sunsets.
Today marks eight years since Barbie lost her battle with breast cancer. I could tell you that I posted a quite literally, heavenly looking sunset today because of it’s symbolism, but that’s not it. I just loved this moment. It was on an otherwise mundane run the other night, and it absolutely made my day. Losing my mom continues to teach me many things, one of which is to make the best of all situations; another, to remain eternally optimistic; and another – to absolutely value all those tiny moments I wouldn’t otherwise remember.
Today, I am thankful for the 22 years I had with my mom, but I’m also thankful for so much good fortune that’s come my way since. The bigger things – my honey, my career, my education, my doggie, for starters – and the littler things – a good book, beautiful sunset, an infectious laugh.
Cheers to the mama.
Today the mama would have been 63. There are a couple days a year when her loss is so pronounced, and her birthday is always one of them. I think of what she would have been doing – in life and on this day – I wonder how I can possibly celebrate her in a way that does justice to what should have been; and I think of how much I miss her and wish I could hold her hand, hear her voice, or give her a hug. It’s just so sad.
And that’s exactly what I kept saying. It’s so sad. But what an amazing life full of joyous birthdays she has given me. And I am so thankful for that. So I shed my tears, and then I dried them, and then I continued my restful day as she would have wanted me to. Minus the chocolate easter bunny. That was a fail. Next year.
To Barbie.
