Fall is here. For me, this is great news. I automatically feel a bit more settled, comforted by the familiar of a daily scarf, sweater and that crisp breeze that makes things feel a bit more… movable.
The movable part is key right now. I have always been pretty good at maintaining balance. I never imagined starting this job would be so hard – that I would talk to my people on the phone less, read and write for pleasure less, exercise less, and most notably, feel ambiguous at times.
But, here I am.
I don’t feel down or bad or blue. In fact, today I feel better than I have in a few weeks. I just feel in the thick of it in a way that has caught me a little off guard. The waxing and waning, attraction and aversion to my work day, is a lot on it’s own – then mix in the subject matter and its like whambamthankyoumaam, see you later positive attitude.
In my Buddhist studies class, which miraculously is the one thing I have stayed consistent with since starting this fellowship, we talk a lot about noticing what we are attracted to, repelled from and find neutral. I like the notion of practicing the noticing, I see the benefit of not being so reactive or attached to any of these states. I get it. And, I LIKE BEING EXCITED. This non-excitedness is the pits.
So, back to fall. I am excited about fall and all the natural reminders that things change, circumstances pass, the leaves get more beautiful before they fall, and pumpkin butter is on all the shelves for morning toast.